The Mets are screwed.

Barry Bonds isn’t a Giant. He also won’t be playing for San Francisco anymore.

Rumor has it that A-Rod won’t be in New York next year. That should free up plenty of money for Bonds.

If you don’t think the Packers are for real this year, the terrorists win.

New Orleans running back Deuce McAllister is out for the season. The Saints aren’t marching anywhere now.

OSU football coach Mike Gundy is the patron saint of the P.T.A.

The U.S. women’s soccer team was embarrassed 4-0 by Brazil. When coach Greg Ryan was asked if his decision to switch goalies was to blame, he said, “I don’t think that move affected the game.” Yeah, it must have been all those balls going into the net. I wonder how he could have stopped that?

Dolphins coach Cam Cameron said, “We get paid to win and we understand that.”
What are they getting paid for this season?

Raiders quarterback Josh McCown has bad feet, Daunte Culpepper has bad knees, and neither one of them have good arms.

Mike Ditka loves to help NFL players in need. How about the Bears?

With Vick headed to jail, you think Hollywood will cash in on another remake of The Longest Yard?

There are so many mathematical solutions to the NL playoff picture that even Stephen Hawking has a headache.

ESPN writer Bill Simmons thinks if you love sports and love TV, NBC’s Friday Night Lights is the perfect show for you. What about Sportscenter? Take another look at your pay stubs, Bill.

LeBron James is hosting SNL this Saturday. There’s no way he’s funnier than Peyton Manning.

The Baseball Hall of Fame is “delighted” to display Barry Bonds’ 756 home run ball even though America voted to brand it with an asterisk. See kids? Democracy is fun!

Tiger Woods said Monday that anyone who tests positive for drugs should pay a steep price—like a beer chugging contest with John Daly.

Even though you’re not supposed to drink and drive, Coors Light is going to be the official beer of NASCAR.

You think a glue factory would ever sponsor an equestrian event?

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

The 11th plague of Egypt is happening in Texas. Thanks to record breaking rainfall this year, the Lone Star State is being smote with feral hogs. Ranchers and farmers have been fighting off the nation’s largest population of wild hogs for quite some time, but this year the population is expected to double.

Wildlife officials fear a problem, but since the United States has the highest concentration of firearms (90 guns for every 100 people according to Reuters.com) I just don’t see it that way. I see it as the greatest and most prolific bacon harvest in the history of mankind.

Now, just for the record, I would like to mention how much I wanted to research and publish numbers reflecting the amount of people in Texas who own firearms, but that information is VERY difficult to find.

The best information I could come up with is by December of 2006, the total number of recovered firearms in Texas was 15,238 according to the A.T.F. web site. That’s a lot of guns, and it reflects only the number of rogue weapons floating around in Texas.

The amount of guns that are legally owned has to be pretty impressive as well, and since Texas Governor Rick Perry signed the “Shoot First” law last March, I don’t see why those feral hogs are still hanging around at all.

The Hogs, who can weigh in excess of 400 pounds, are skittish, territorial, aggressive, and are causing roughly $52 million in crop damage annually.

“They just are a big nuisance,” Texas Rancher Jim McAdams said.

A nuisance? When your shoelace is untied on an escalator, that’s a nuisance. When your waitress keeps refilling your club soda with water at lunch, that’s a nuisance. I would hardly call $52 million of damage a nuisance.

Mr. McAdams also said, “Despite all our best efforts, the population continues to grow.” I find this kind of attitude unacceptable. I don’t believe for one second the people of Texas have really thrown everything they have at this problem.

Are you telling me the pistol packing populace of Texas, a state that set a standard for BBQ pork loin, pulled pork platters, jumbo hot dogs, and chili, doesn’t see this as the one of the biggest economic blessings since Chuck Norris?

There are 22,859,968 people in Texas. If you gave rifles to one fifth of that population and told them to get rid of the hogs, there would be over 4 million people out there working together to make the world’s largest pot of chili. And if Texas has 22,859,968 people, you can’t make enough chili to feed them all. The only other option is to continue losing millions in ruined land.

Opportunity is knocking, Texas. Start shooting.

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

Cobblestone streets, gothic cathedrals, sidewalk cafés, and a hilltop château. Québec may be miles away from France. But with the Euro soaring to all-time highs against the US dollar—a Euro will now cost you $1.40—French Canada is an increasingly affordable alternative.

Fortunately, a visit to Canada’s most romantic city is nearly as French as France. Québec’s Vieux-Ville (Old City) boasts 17th- and 18th-century architecture. 95% of the city’s residents are native French-speakers. And, just like Frenchmen, Quebecers love good food, good wine and good times with friends.

Place-Royale marks the New World’s first French settlement. In the 17th and 18th centuries this square was the town marketplace and it remains a bustling plaza today with folk dancers, street musicians and historical reenactments. Honey-colored 17th-century buildings still surround the plaza, and the 1688 Église Notre-Dame-des-Victoires houses votive objects brought by early settlers to ensure safe passage.

Just a block away, the narrow, cobblestone Rue du Petit Champlain is the oldest street in North America, as teeming with people today as it was over 300 years ago. Brightly-colored cafés and art galleries make this one of the most pleasant streets in Québec.

At the northern end of Petit Champlain stand Québec’s famous 17th-century Escalier Casse-Cou, or Breakneck Steps, leading 300 feet from the lower, riverside Québec to its upper half, the Haute-Ville. Don’t feel like climbing the steep stairway? Travel via the Old City’s incline railway to the Château Frontenac. Although the Château looks like a castle, it is the grande dame of Québec hotels, attracting the wealthy (and those who pretend to be) since 1893. The Château Frontenac is for Québec what the Eiffel Tower is for Paris.

The Basilique-Cathédrale Notre-Dame de Québec has served its parishioners since 1647, making it the oldest Christian parish north of Mexico. The ornate cathedral still houses artworks and ecclesiastical objects from the time of the French regime.

No trip to France—or French Canada—is complete without fine dining. The indoor Marché (Market) near the Old Port sells local produce, cheeses, meats and breads, and its picnic tables transform a simple lunch into an outdoor feast. Le Cochon Dingue is a traditional French pastry shop open for breakfast, lunch or a snack. And Aux Anciens Canadiens serves authentic Canadian food in Québec City’s oldest house (1675). Expect grilled wapiti, caribou with blueberry sauce, Canadian wines and maple syrup pie.

For complete travel information about Québec, visit www.quebecregion.com.

–Amy S. Eckert, RED Travel Writer

There aren’t too many positions in the NFL that are more disproportionately criticized than quarterback. If a QB is on top of his game, like Tony Romo is right now, the fans in Dallas will have a statue of him cast out of bronze by the time he leaves the locker room.

But if they are slipping, like Rex Grossman, the fans in Chicago will wait by his car with eggs, torches, pitchforks, and a one way Amtrak ticket to Splitsville. Is this kind of criticism too harsh? No way.

Bears coach Lovie Smith announced this week that Rex Grossman is getting the boot for veteran quarterback Brian Griese, and unless you’re Grossman, it’s a smart move. Actually, it was Lovie’s only move.

Grossman was underperforming, which is a really polite way of saying he stinks. The question that no one seems to be fielding is weather or not this move is going to help the Bears. Lovie Smith says he’s “pumped” about it, but he has to be.

ESPN’s Tony Kornheiser asked this question of PTI co-host Mike Wilbon, but he didn’t answer it either. When asked if this QB switch is going to have an impact, Wilbon said Griese had better have an impact.

That’s not really an answer. To say the Griese HAS to have an impact for the 1-2 Bears is like saying a touchdown is worth 6 points. The question is, WILL he have an impact, and I’m going to field that one. The answer is no. Not a huge one, anyway.

The truth is that Griese is not that great of a QB. Is he better than Grossman? Possibly. But he’s not good enough to turn things around for the Bears any time soon.

Griese’s completion percentage over his decade in the NFL is 63%. His best overall year was in 2000 when he had a QB rating of 102.9, but he hasn’t done anything to put the razzle-dazzle on anyone for a long time. He hasn’t played in two years either.

I admit there isn’t any definitive evidence to completely dismiss a scenario where Griese’s career rises from the ashes and takes the Bears to another Super Bowl, but the Bears are going into this weekend’s game against Detroit with a defense that is riddled with injury.

This is pivotal game for them. A 2-2 record would give the Bears some hope, but if they come out of Sunday 1-3, Lovie’s decision to shuffle things around might have come too late to salvage the season in Chicago—and that’s assuming Griese doesn’t under perform.

Just for the record, there were a lot of people in Chi-town who thought third string QB Kyle Orton showed the most potential in the preseason.

If Griese turns out to be a dud, there’s going to be a shortage of pitchforks in Chicago.

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

The U.S. Supreme Court begins its new session in October, and on the docket is an issue that’s been swirling around the media for years on end. Based on complaints filed by Ralph Blaze and Thomas Clyde Bowling, two inmates on death row in Kentucky, the Supreme Court will review if the use of lethal injections can be classified as cruel and unusual punishment, and therefore unconstitutional.

This one is dead in the water.

The United States (are you ready for this?) will never, ever, ever, ever, EVER abolish the death penalty. I’m sorry, but it’s just not in the cards. The notion of an “Eye for an eye” is just as much a part of our history and society as printing “In God We Trust” all over our money.

According to the Death Penalty Information Center, roughly 65% of the nation supports the death penalty. I don’t see any reason why that number is going to change—especially if you take a gander at Texas. Texas just killed their 400th convict last August. That’s 400 people in 31 years. Stick with what your good at, right?

So with all this in mind, where does that leave our two protesting convicts, Blaze and Bowling, in Kentucky? Nowhere positive, that’s for certain. Especially if you consider the nature of their complaint.

Blaze and Bowling claim lethal injections are cruel and unusual punishment, but if you examine that claim, there is nothing cruel and unusual about lethal injections at all.

The first part of the process is a nice dose of Sodium pentothal to knock you out. The second is Pancuronium bromide to paralyze you, and the third is Potassium chloride to stop your heart. It’s quick, easy, painless, humane, and under the circumstances, it’s the only way to go.

It’s a lot better than, say, hanging or electrocution or death by firing squad or any other of the ways we used to execute people in this country. I would consider any of those to be cruel and unusual, but Sodium pentothal?

The allegations that lethal injections are cruel and unusual are rooted in a recent botched execution attempt in Florida. After receiving the lethal injection prisoner Angel Diaz took 34 minutes to die, but it’s speculated the person who administered the shot missed his vein.

That’s not cruel and unusual punishment. That’s a malpractice lawsuit.

It seems to me capital punishment is branded as cruel and unusual only when the actual point of death is prolonged. I agree that watching a person die slowly is creepy, but if that’s the issue, we need a method that’s quick, easy, cheap to build, and never misses.

Then let’s bring back the guillotine.

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staf

Once in a while I’ll hear someone say, “Every child in the world is annoying except your own.” I’m not quite that liberal. I don’t have any kids, so to me they’re all annoying. Sure, they have their moments, but when they start screaming and kicking because it’s bedtime, or over some cheap toy in the middle of your local “Super Biggie-Mart”, I grind my teeth into powder.

And the older they get, the more annoying they are. A screaming two year old is nothing compared to a spoiled 10 year-old, who is nothing compared to a 29 year-old ill-tempered millionaire. I don’t feel sorry for hotheads, and I don’t feel sorry for Milton Bradley.

Here’s the skinny. Milton Bradley, who has a sordid history with controlling his temper, is out for the rest of the season with a torn ACL. Depending on the extent of the injury, he could be out for a full year. How did the Padres leading scorer simultaneously manage to end his season and jeopardize his team’s playoff hopes?

He lost his cool with first base umpire Mike Winters, who was allegedly talking trash.

First of all, before any of you lose your tempers and start shipping nasty mail, I would like to say yes, Mike Winters is an a-hole. I have looked at the video of Winters’ brief but effective conversation with Bradley over and over and over again.

I’ve had my colleagues look at it for second and third opinions. We’ve been staring at the same 3 seconds of video for an eternity trying to read Mike Winters’ lips, and we’ve concluded Winters said something nasty with the expletive “F****ng.”

Unacceptable. Period. Fine him. Fire him. Heck, fire him AND fine him.

But that doesn’t effect my lack of sympathy for Milton “I sunk my own battleship” Bradley.

Yes, the umpire instigated it, but the true mark of a professional (or even an adult) is how you react to a situation. Bradley reacted poorly, end of line. And now, because he couldn’t just keep his cool after Winters reportedly called him a “piece of s**t”, it’s all over for him this year.

A piece of s**t? I’ve been called worse for accidentally stepping on a guy’s shoes at happy hour. It’s not that big of a deal.

In Bradley’s videotaped locker room reaction he said, “It’s terrible, and now because of him my knee’s hurt. If he costs me my season because of that, he needs to be reprimanded.” Because of him? I just can’t see it that way. I’m pretty sure it was Milton’s reaction to Winters that cost him the season. Not what winters said.

Padres first-base coach Bobby Meacham, who is escaping any kind of guilt for the incident even though he was the one who dragged Milton down right before the injury, said, “Everyone is going to make a twist that Milton Bradley blew up again.” Well Bobby. I’m guilty of making that twist.

Because it’s true, and this time it cost him his season. That’s just dumb.

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

A new statue of Charlie Brown and Linus was unveiled September 23 at the airport, a gift of the Charles Schulz family.

How often have you seen air travelers, when greeted with the news that flights have been delayed or canceled, hurry off with a smile on their faces?

If the answer is not often or never, that must be because you’re not flying through the right airport.

Air travelers have plenty to be frustrated about with the on-time arrival rate of flights reaching all-time lows in August 2007. But if you find yourself delayed at the Palm Beach International Airport, take out your frustrations by whacking a golf ball at Tom Sneed Putting Green on the second level.

Or work on a tan in Terminal 2 at Chicago’s frequently over scheduled O’Hare International.

While many layovers can be an endless blur of coffee shops, fried cuisine and magazine counters, there are a few airports out there that, as soon as you land, you realize, you’re not in Kansas any more Toto.

The Halifax Stanfield International Airport is one of those. Teams of volunteers wearing Nova Scotia Tartan plaid roam the terminal building providing a friendly welcome and assistance to travelers.

At the Nashville International Airport, up and coming musicians of all genres serenade at stages in the baggage claim area and at two security check-points – a part of the city’s commitment to provide the ultimate entertainment experience.

At Japan’s Centrair International Airport, in Ise Bay off the coast of Nagoya, you will find traditional Japanese spa bathing facilities. Watch the planes take off and land from the glass window wall while you are soaking in the tub.

If a hot bath doesn’t ease your frustrations, calm down in the meditation room at Helsinki-Vantaa Airport in Finland. A kneeling bench and tables with a compass pointing north help you stay focused.

Of course, the world’s greatest air traveler is Snoopy, the famous World War I Flying Ace, and you can hang out with Snoopy and friends at the Sonoma County California Airport. Officially known as The Charles M. Schulz Airport, Snoopy, dressed in his flying ace attire, greets travelers and poses for pictures. Walk over to the Pacific Coast Air Museum, where Snoopy’s flying dog house is among the aircraft on display.

For a more practical use of your time at the Vancouver International Airport, get your teeth cleaned at the Dental Center on Level 1 of Domestic arrivals. Located inside security screening, the receptionist reports that many of their patients take advantage of the clinic’s services during bad weather or mechanical delays.

Or if you want to preview some upcoming movies, visit the Alliance Atlantic Screening Lounge on Level Three next to domestic departures. It’s the first airport in the world to offer moving screenings and behind the scenes “making of” features on movies.

The popcorn is extra.

–Diana Lambdin Meyer, RED Travel Writer

I was a pain in the neck when I was a kid. I threw a baseball through some guy’s window once, and when my mother found out I was grounded for weeks. I used to fight with other kids on the playground, and got sent to the principal’s office for anointing myself the “Sultan of Spitballs.” To my credit, I was deadly accurate.

No matter how much trouble I was in, I always thought the punishment I received outweighed the crime. In fact, I hardly ever understood why I was getting punished at all. That’s why I’m applying to Blackwater.

For those of you who haven’t noticed by now, and shame on you if you haven’t, Blackwater is the most influential and wealthy private security firm on the face of the planet. Some people out there would call them “Mercenaries,” and even though it might be true, it just isn’t nice.

“Mercenary” is a nasty sounding word, and in today’s difficult times I think it’s important to keep things positive.

For example, nobody really knows for sure how many Blackwater employees have been killed in Iraq, or how much they’re costing all of us in tax dollars, or what they are really up to over there on a daily basis.

Let’s try not to focus on how a certain unit of Blackwater is suspected of killing 20 Iraqi civilians without provocation. Let’s not think about how the ominously titled “Order 17” states that private forces are “ . . . immune from any form of arrest or detention” in Iraq. Let’s not worry what other countries think about it.

Let’s not get all worked up about our tax dollars helping support the $550 a day salary Blackwater pays its security professionals.

Let’s not worry about how our administration says Blackwater is an indispensable part of the war, but most importantly, let’s not worry about how Blackwater is a private business that provides a service for a price. Just like the cable company. And if we don’t pay the bill, they can withhold those services.

Trust me. It’s better you didn’t.

Instead, let’s concentrate on all the cool stuff Blackwater has to offer . . . like the Blackwater Proshop! Where you can buy Blackwater logo onesies for your new baby, or a sporty high tech watch for $549! Stay positive, people. It’s the only way to go.

Hey, what’s that wacky Britney Spears up to these days?

—Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

Pocket Express is pleased to announce the newest development in Red’s world. During the course of each week, the Red Editorial Staff will compile some of the funniest, edgiest, and dumbest news stories, line them all up, and shoot ‘em all down in a segment we like to call “Red’s Rundown.”

The Rundown will post every Friday afternoon, and alternate each week between news and sports. So if there’s something going on in the world you missed (or something you regret noticing) we’ll do our best to find it, tackle it, and blow it out of the water. Stay tuned . . .

–RED Editorial Staff

Red’s Rundown (9.21.07)

I’m starting to feel guilty for writing about O.J. last Monday. The Juice is low hanging fruit.

Is Madison Gabriel, 13, too young to put on a bikini and strut down a fashion runway? Absolutely. Unless you’re a polygamist. Or Warren Jeffs.

A 30 year-old man in China dropped dead after a 3-day video game marathon. Somebody should have told him that up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start would have gotten him 30 extra lives.

News wires around the nation and Canada are reporting that illegal immigrants fear deportation. In other news, 2 + 2 = 4.

A new fad in wedding proposals is to hire a photographer to lurk in the bushes so candid shots can be taken. Don’t worry, it’s the good kind of spying. You better hope she says yes, buddy.

President Bush, father of the “No Child Left Behind Act,” said he will veto a new deal in Congress to expand children’s health care.

Bush is also convinced that Congress is only pushing the deal to garner a political victory. A political victory? In politics?!? Surely not.

Britney Spears is not fat. She’s crazy.

New York architect Dominic Habsburg, who has hereditary claim to Bran Castle where it’s rumored that Vlad Tsepesh (the real life Dracula) once slept, will sell the property back to Romania for $78 million. Romanian officials say that price is too high. You can’t get blood from a stone.

Rush Limbaugh is outraged by the insensitivity of a moveon.org ad calling General Patraeus General “Betray Us”. This from a man who said, “Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream.” He’s such a teddy bear.

Blackwater, America’s privately contracted mercenary army, has been suspended from action after questionable conduct. If they are removed from Iraq, the A-Team will come out of retirement.

A Kansas military cemetery has run out of space after the burial of another casualty of the Iraq war, officials said on Thursday. If that’s not a hint, I don’t know what is.

–Joey Alfino, RED Editorial Staff

“Deep dish” hardly describes Chicago-style pizza. “Pizza pie” is probably more like it.

Two inches deep, with buttery crusts resembling Italian focaccia bread and filled to the brim with hearty toppings, Chicago-style pizza is seldom finger food. You’ll need your knife and fork. And plenty of napkins.

Chicago’s unique brand of pizza is said to date from the 1940s. Pizza chefs press their dough into and up the sides of deep, round pans and let the dough rise before filling them up with a thick mélange of fillings—pepperoni, sausage, vegetables, a thick, chunky tomato sauce, and about a pound of fresh mozzarella. The result is a pizza that comes awfully close to a casserole.

But even deep dish pizzas are nothing compared to Chicago’s stuffed pizzas. Imagine the same thick crust filled with vegetables, meat and cheese—crumbled sausage or fresh spinach with loads of mozzarella are favorites. Covering the hearty mixture is a second crust ladled thick with tomato sauce and more cheese. The gooey pie is a culinary treat you don’t want to miss when you’re in the Windy City.

If you’re headed to Chicago, you owe it to yourself to check out the places the locals love. Gino’s East (www.ginoseast.com) and Malnati’s (www.loumalnatis.com) are long-time Chicagoland favorites with locations across the city. And finally, you can’t go wrong with Giordano’s (www.giordanos.com). They always rank high among Chicagoans and they’re one of the inventers of the original stuffed pizza.

Not planning to visit Chicago any time soon? Pizzeria Uno (www.unos.com) is located at shopping malls and airports across the country. Some argue that the restaurant’s quality dropped a notch once it went nationwide, but the pizza is still great. Better yet, order a genuine Chicago-style pie from Gino’s East, Malnati’s, or Giordano’s anyway. All three restaurants sell their famous pizzas online, shipping them to locations throughout the continental U.S.

–Amy S. Eckert, RED Travel Writer