Pop The Cork! Bubbly for the New Year
With the Bee Gee’s hit “Stayin’ Alive” pulsing deep in the background on your 8 track player, you slowly stuff yourself into those slick white polyester tuxedo pants that have been laying neatly folded in your drawer since last year. A shimmy here, a dab of Vaseline there, a tug on the pliers and, ohh yeah, you’re in. A little snug, but the ladies like that. Mom must have washed the damned things. That zipper worked a few years ago. Oh well. Man like you grooves on the easy access.
It’s New Years Eve, and a young wolf like yourself is going on the prowl. Time to impress those doe eyed cuties enraptured by your James Bond-like tux, black tie, razor stubble and jacked up Pinto. It’s time to hit the clubs.
“Hi. I saw you get out of that old ladies car in front of the club. Want a flute of some great Brut?” the first sleek minx asks as you lean against the bar, your eyes lidded seductively, head rhythmically nodding to the beat. She notices the befuddled look on your face only seconds before you sputter, “I didn’t know it was that kind of club. Thanks anyway,” and watches as you dash away, leaving a perplexed hottie wondering what the hell you were talking about.
Maybe next year, after a little lesson addressing your club night champagne faux pas, you can look her in the eye and jokingly suggest “Not this evening. I am in the mood for a taste of Cava. You?” in your best Barry White baritone.
So without further ado and freshly into the New Year, here is a brief look at champagne.
Champagne comes in these main types:
Brut: driest of the champagnes and a standard offering on the market. Seen as the best.
Extra-dry: slightly less dry than brut.
Sec: a sweeter variety, up to 4% sugar.
Demi-sec: the sweetest of the champagnes with up to 8% sugar.
Champagne is either called vintage or non-vintage. The difference between the two is the usage of only one year’s grape growth in vintage along with at least three years aging, where non-vintage is a blend and the aging time varies. Varieties of champagne include rose’, a blend of white and red; blanc de blanc, strictly Chardonnay or white grapes and blanc de noirs, made from darker skinned grapes such as pinot noir and pinot meunier.
In the world of champagne, only those produced in the French region of Champagne may be called Champagne. In other regions, the names vary. There is sparkling wine, typically from the US; Cava, from Spain; Sekt, from Germany; Asti Spumante, from Italy and Cap Classique, from South Africa.
It is produced using the Methode Champenoise, a technique using second fermentation. Wine is fermented in a steel tank for 2-3 weeks and then sits for up to five weeks after. At this point, the vintner adds yeast and sugar, caps the bottle and allows this second fermentation to go for up to 3 years.
By this time, sediment has usually formed and needs to be disgorged, a process that uses a slow spinning motion to bring the bottle to a vertical position, causing the sediment to fall to down into the neck. The neck is frozen, the sediment pushed out and a small amount of champagne is added to replace the loss. It is corked and sent out to liquor stores and bars around the world so studs like you can “get your bubbly on”.
When you finally find a gal who actually digs your Friends DVD collection and the posters of Farrah still clinging to your wall with cracking, amber bands of old tape, it may be time to take this new found knowledge and put it to use with a little bubbly and some snacks that go with well with it.
In stead of plagiarizing the well choreographed thug gangsta look that MTV twits like Puffy and Jay-Z promote with wild parties featuring barely clothed ladies wrestling in pools of French champagnes like Dom and Cristal, pimp up some sweet domestic sparkling like an Iron Horse Cuvee (California), Chateau Frank Blanc de Noirs, 2000 (NY), Handley Brut Rose’ 2003 (California) and a tray of cheeses like fresh chevre, or goats cheese; mild cheddars, preferably young and mild; brie, served at room temperature and Colby, a mild cheese from Wisconsin.
Wow her at first sip with your Bond-esque “Excellent. 45 degrees, just where it should be”, making sure that crusty meat thermometer you stole from Mom stays out of the picture. Toss out those cheap plastic champagne flutes your pocketed from last year’s New Year’s Eve bash at Grandma’s bingo hall and pick up some real glass flutes, those long stemmed, thin bowled vessels that hold in the nose and effervescency of your champagne. Do it right.
And the next time some hottie comes up with an offer of a flute of Brut, straighten your food-stained bow tie, suck in your spare tire and work your love mojo with “Perhaps a domestic vintage? Indeed!” Go get ‘em, Clooney!
Happy New Year.
–Tim Connors, Red Editorials Staff
Jan 05, 2010 7:49 am by Steven
I wonder if I’m the only one that finds this guy’s writing consistently annoying and in poor taste.
It’s one thing to have a sense of humor and gently poke fun at one’s audience. It’s another for EVERY SINGLE ARTICLE to contain multiple references to “you” being a fat, slovenly, foul smelling, drunken oaf.
We’ve all been there, trying to add some spice to what may be otherwise dry reading. Find a new schtick, fella. This one-track sense of humor becomes old quick.
Jan 06, 2010 11:39 am by Anonymous
WOW…that is pretty harsh, Steven. I actually enjoyed the article and the “brut” sense of humor that went along with it. Don’t take offense to the truth.
Jan 07, 2010 6:49 am by Anonymous
I find these articles often become harsh. Whether it’s a vain attempt at humor or the writer has trouble masking a deep-seated contempt for his audience, I’m not sure.
If it was one article, it wouldn’t be a big deal. But it’s every article.
I don’t find it personally offensive, as apparently I am nowhere close to being what Mr. Connors imagines his audience to be. What, exactly, is the “truth” you’re referring to? Do you belong in that target demographic?
At any rate, I choose to no longer read anything he writes. Okay, maybe if it’s something REALLY interesting…how about a comprehensive history on cupcakes? That seems RIPE for references to how I, as the reader, should comb out the weeks-old frosting caked in the rat pelt I call a mustache, struggle to get out of my mom’s rusty Festiva every morning at the bakery, and creep out the girl working at the counter with patently gross come-ons asking her if she likes to lick the frosting off - then console my failure to seduce her as I have with all the others I’ve driven away at my sad attempts to be flirty and debonaire; wallowing in the Stygian abyss of my leaky, moldy basement apartment by sucking down a chocolate number with cream-cheese frosting. Then we could maybe throw in a short history of the cuppycake, and make the whole mess moderately useful with a delicious recipe.
Come to think of it…maybe I should be writing these articles?
Jan 07, 2010 11:08 am by Shifty
Steven,
Being a fat, slovenly, foul smelling, drunken oaf myself I enjoy Mr. Connors stories. He does poke fun at a lot of things that I find true. I look forward to his next article and if you don’t like it then like they say on T.V. “Change the channel”. Too many people have become too PC and that pisses me off. I’m glad Mr. Connors has the guts to say it how it is.
Jan 07, 2010 11:16 am by Anonymous
Do you think you are taking a “light-hearted” comically entertaining piece a little too serious? Yes, it has a sarcastically humorous undertone but isn’t that why we read it and now why we talk about it? It is clear to me that you may not appreciate the witty dry sense of humor that the writer exhibits.
I certainly will enjoy reading the next article written by Mr. Connors and look forward to seeing the exact same undertone and sarcasm….even if it displayed in every article he writes!
Jan 07, 2010 11:28 am by anonymous
There must be something in these stories that keeps people coming back for more, or we’d have found a new fav author! The stories often make men look like slovenly buffoons, but I think it’s a great way to put a human face on alcohol and food (although, champagne seems a bit too feminine to have a male face on it!). Shake it up a little Mr. Author. Expand your audience and tell me a story about a drink with a new personality!
Jan 07, 2010 11:44 am by Jeff
I think maybe the article was directed at the likes of Steven. I mean, realy, who actually uses the word FELLA anymore?! Did the vaseline reference bristle with irony? I see a Bowflex in Steve’s future……
I liked all his articles so far, keep it up Mr. Connors !!
Jan 07, 2010 4:15 pm by judith kovacs
DEAR COMMENT PEOPLE, IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN. MR. CONNORS IS A TONGUE IN CHEEK WRITER. BOY, IF THIS GETS YOU GOING, TRY NANCY DREW AT LILAC INN!!!! SHE MAKES LEMONADE AND SERVES PEOPLE WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOR, SUCH AS YOU. LIGHTEN UP. HE’S FABULOUS!!! JUDITH
Jan 07, 2010 10:31 pm by anonymous
No doubt his articles are awesome and entertaining,Jeff and Judith! I think that with such a strong gift for story telling and a fantastic vocabulary, Mr.Connors could and should write a little more outside the box. You have dedicated fans Mr.Connors, but we’d love something fresh.
Jan 08, 2010 12:57 am by Anonymous
Wow. I guess I really AM the only one who finds this one-note writing to be hacky and irritating.
This is one step above fart joke humor, wonderfully verbose as it may be.
Jan 08, 2010 1:00 am by Anonymous
Also, this has nothing to do with political correctness. Even a little bit. In fact, I seethe with contempt for PC fascists everywhere, finding them to be just as offensive as I do racist, sexist reactionary jerkoffs.
Jan 09, 2010 7:49 am by Tim
Well. Looks like the end of the road for now. There have been some layoffs at Handmark, including Joey, the world’s greatest editor,and the future of the editorial section seems very cloudy with a chance of cuppycakes. I sincerely appreciate all the voices, pro and con, and suggestions. Thank you for your time and energy. Have a great New Year and hope to be offending elsewhere soon. Any desire to contact or to find out where the next venue, cupcake recipes included, will be, I am at chopfaster@gmail.com. Thank you all again.
Tim